Funny quotes about god

If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?

On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?

I'm what you'd call ethnically Catholic. Don't believe in God, still hate Rangers...

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . .

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.