Funny quotes about friends

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, “Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.”

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?

Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"

I thought it was really odd at how much people freaked out at Katrina. You'd think they'd be worried about something important. 'Oh my God, look! George Bush is just appointing all his friends into office and we're in an unfounded war...' But no- 'Fuck that! That nigger's stealing some potato chips!'

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.