Funny quotes about football

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. When one of us would go for the ball, we’d all go. There was no one looking for space.

Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do cocktails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're not allowed to bring food to the ground and they actually search you, when you're going in, to make sure you've not got food on you. It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right isn't it? What's this sir? A knife. I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches. Now we've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player. I've not checked my Nostradamus but isn't that one of the harbingers of the apocalypse? The only time I've previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades attempting to mime the word homosexual.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!