Funny quotes about father
Rodney Dangerfield quotesWhen I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
Rita Rudner quotesI never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Bob Monkhouse quotes
Groucho Marx quotes
Zach Galifianakis quotes
Russell Howard quotesSo my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
Jim Jefferies quotesI don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
Jeff Foxworthy quotesMy father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
Bernard Manning quotes'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
Chelsea Handler quotesMy relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Frankie Boyle quotes( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?
Russell Brand quotesRemember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.
Michael McIntyre quotesSo hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?
