Funny quotes about fat

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't -- we have big, fat kids.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"