Funny quotes about fat

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

[Baby Safety Ads] It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.