Funny quotes about family
Ricky Gervais quotesYou’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!
Chris Rock quotesWhoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.
Milton Jones quotes"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."
Fred Allen quotes
George Burns quotesHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Rodney Dangerfield quotesI have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Jerry Seinfeld quotesNothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
Ted Alexandro quotesYou ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'
Dov Davidoff quotesI saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
Tim Minchin quotesYeah how bad can it be? Some people have it worse than me I could be a child prostitute Or Gary Glitter’s family
Natasha Leggero quotesI just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
