Funny quotes about family
Craig Ferguson quotesI like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Gabriel Iglesias quotesI keep it very family-friendly, ... Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
George Carlin quotesThe other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Jimmy Carr quotesMy dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Mitch Hedberg quotesMy sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
Mike Birbiglia quotesI don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Emo Phillips quotesWhen I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Jim Gaffigan quotesI'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
David Cross quotesI don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.
Dave Chappelle quotesOh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
Dave Attell quotesSparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.
Kristen Schaal quotes[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
