Funny quotes about everything

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.

There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.

It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.

The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do….Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.