Funny quotes about everything
Dave Chappelle quotesThe mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
Steve Martin quotes
Dave Attell quotesEverything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!
Demetri Martin quotes'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
Bill Burr quotesRednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- it'll scare the hell out of them.'
Steven Wright quotesWhen I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
Sarah Silverman quotesWow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
Kristen Schaal quotesI had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'
Chris Rock quotesFellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy."
Tim Allen quotes
George Burns quotesEverything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
