Funny quotes about crying

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says "Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve." And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the ass I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that "Daddy, I don't like it in the butt." Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says "Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way." So I said "Maybe I'll fuck him then he won't have to wonder anymore." See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way... would you stop crying?

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.

People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.