Funny quotes about back
Eddie Izzard quotesAgatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
Adam Ferrara quotesIf you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'
Bill Hicks quotesA lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Craig Ferguson quotes
Dylan Moran quotesEverybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it - so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.
Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!
Gabriel Iglesias quotesAnd he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, [Exhausted voice] "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have [Groan] X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?
Jim Carrey quotes
George Carlin quotesJust cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Jimmy Carr quotesRecently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
Mitch Hedberg quotesI had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
