Funny quotes about baby

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby -- go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like, 'Excellent. I've been meaning to read more.' I'm tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes, I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.

There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] — I mean, I think this part is great — but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause — 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, I go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! Were you on the ground? I said "Nope, Santa was making one last run.. "

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.