Funny quotes about baby

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...

My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."

I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that BABY due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that BABY due? BABY!" "What baby?" " the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "MA'AM" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...