Funny quotes about babies
Dylan Moran quotes
David Cross quotesAbandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm
Steven Wright quotesBabies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Sarah Silverman quotesSince so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
Kristen Schaal quotesI wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Jerry Seinfeld quotesMake no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Katt Williams quotesJust saying ladies, stop worrying about shit that don't matter. some of you that had some babies, now you got some stretch marks, walking around the house bitter. Blaming the baby, showing the baby your highschool picture, talking about 'LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!
Doug Stanhope quotesBabies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
Daniel Tosh quotes
Adam Sandler quotesIt's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesDid you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.
Robert Schimmel quotesI sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."
Dane Cook quotesI've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
Roseanne Barr quotesThe most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
