Funny quotes about america
Robert Schimmel quotes[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.
Dat Phan quotesIt's kind of funny how that happened. When I was a child, I had a dream of one day becoming very influential and being in the entertainment world. I really wanted badly for that to happen, and in the last couple of years, my manager told me I was nominated for the group of the Most Influential Vietnamese-American Individuals in the world, along with generals and ambassadors and surgeons. It's an honor. It's mind-boggling. I'm a college dropout; I'm a high school failure, someone who came from a homeless background, but I understand the American pop culture and doing comedy from my heart led me to be in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.
Frankie Boyle quotesBarack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Russell Brand quotesSome people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?
John Oliver quotesIt was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
This report found out that more British people died, proportionally, than American people on that boat because they discovered that, at that point in history, British people were more polite while Americans were, and I quote, more assertive. But don't feel guilty when you imagine your ancestors elbowing mine out of the way.
America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.
It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
It's pure Americana. It couldn't be any more folksy or wholesome unless Huckleberry Finn suddenly walked in carrying a freshly baked apple pie and started dropping the n-word.
