Funny Patton Oswalt quotes

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

I hate all sidekicks.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'

I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

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