Funny Noel Fielding quotes

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’

It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho!

I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

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