Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!
I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough."
I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
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