Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.