Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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