Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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