Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.