Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.