Funny Milton Jones quotes

Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I’ve got a bit of Scottish Blood… On my kitchen knife!!

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels !

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

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