Funny Mike Birbiglia quotes

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it’s never anything good like, “We found something in your bladder AND IT’S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!”

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, “Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.”

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.