Funny Lee Mack quotes

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children. Now I`ve got two, I only want one.

I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’

(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”

“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

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