Funny Lee Evans quotes

Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!

God old people on coaches! F*ck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.