Funny Lavell Crawford quotes

Grannies Gone Wild’: She may have alzheimer’s, but she still nasty!

They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some sh*t? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.

That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that sh*t when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this sh*t, and you pay for the U-Haul.'

If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.

Tsunami, salami, bologna; get your stupid ass out of my face.

I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”