Funny Kristen Schaal quotes

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

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