Funny John Bishop quotes

Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.

I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

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