Funny Jimmy Carr quotes

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.