Funny Jim Jefferies quotes

A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!

If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.

The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.

I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!

Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.

The bible should say one thing. Try not to be a cunt.

The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.

Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”

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