Funny Jeff Foxworthy quotes

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not *worth* protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.