Funny Groucho Marx quotes

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Do you know any other Groucho Marx quotes?

Help us to expand our database and send best quotes from Groucho Marx you know by using the form below. No quotes? No worries! You can share any bit of funny information, piece of trivia too or tell a story about this comedian here too!