Funny Groucho Marx quotes

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.