Funny Greg Proops quotes

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily."

..I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.