Funny Greg Giraldo quotes

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't -- we have big, fat kids.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes -- because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

My house is on fire... marshmallows!

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

"If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds." - on Michael Moore