Funny George Carlin quotes

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The status quo sucks.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?