Funny George Carlin quotes

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

“No comment” is a comment.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

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