Funny George Carlin quotes
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
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