Funny George Carlin quotes
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
Do you know any other George Carlin quotes?
Help us to expand our database and send best quotes from George Carlin you know by using the form below. No quotes? No worries! You can share any bit of funny information, piece of trivia too or tell a story about this comedian here too!