Funny George Burns quotes

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.