Funny Garrison Keillor quotes

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.

Do you know any other Garrison Keillor quotes?

Help us to expand our database and send best quotes from Garrison Keillor you know by using the form below. No quotes? No worries! You can share any bit of funny information, piece of trivia too or tell a story about this comedian here too!