Funny Garrison Keillor quotes

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.

God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'