Funny Fred Allen quotes

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.