Funny Fred Allen quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.