Funny Frankie Boyle quotes

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?

( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my *** is haunted.

(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

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