Funny Emo Phillips quotes

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.