Funny Emo Phillips quotes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

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