Funny Dylan Moran quotes

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

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